I Am Alive! And You?
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
― Oscar Wilde
If you’ve spoken to me lately, you may have heard me say “I’ll live”, or “I’m still alive!”. Often.
You may have found it catchy (#illlive? Or too many l’s in a row?). You may have found it annoying (I can see that you’re alive, you’re right here!).
The point is, I’ve never felt so alive.
Or perhaps I’ve never felt so many reasons to confirm that I’m alive, and will live on. Either way, that’s what’s going on. Why? I’m not sure.
In a way, I guess I am just grateful to have battled the roughness I’ve come across over the past few years. Because it has made me who I am now, and who I am now is a very happy person. But then again, I am facing new challenges now. Stuff that hasn’t happened to me before, and that requires me to stand my ground. You know, moving to a different country, starting up a business there, dealing with the local culture and legislation, etcetera. That kind of stuff. Not exactly what you’d prescribe an anxious character. Except for I have an anxious character.
Trust me, if you’d told me what I am doing right now five years ago, I’d be sh*tting my pants.
So fear makes me feel alive? You bet ya!
The fear that arises when I realize again the risks I am taking. The fear that sometimes jumps me in the middle of the night, and tells me this can never turn out right. How on earth is this plan of mine going to work? Who do I think I am?
It takes a good cry, and a lingering tear in my eye, to tell that fear that I am still going to go through with it. That this is the life I choose to live, whatever the consequences.
And then I feel it. The blood that runs through my veins. The muscles that twist slightly from a near nervous breakdown. My body telling me I am a living, breathing human being. Gratitude in its purest form.
The moments where I say “I’ll live” are often moments of either physical pain or heartache. I’ve sprained my foot not too long ago, and it’s still in a healing process. I’ve had my heart broken, again recently, and I continue picking up the pieces. It’s pain, and it’ll pass. It’s one of the greatest prerogatives of being human. To feel that, and to learn from it.
Fortunately it doesn’t just take a moment of fear or pain to feel this.
I feel it when I walk at the beach. When I walk through the forest. When I sit on the bus, and wonder about the people around me. Have they chosen their lives the way I do? Do they realize they’re alive at all?
Anyway, don’t take my written word for it…just watch my aliveness in this video: